Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   used to be a deep-sea diver but I quit because I couldn't stand the pressure

   Censorship makes me sooo (bleeping) angry

   went to pizza hut and there was sign outside .It said "look out for the new Menu"... I walked in and it and it hit me in the back of the head

   Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

   ‎1. Go to Google maps. 2. Go to 35 Sampsonia Way, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. 3. Click street view. 4. Turn the view around. 5. ??? 6. lol

   What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   White Castle; because I like my chicken in the form of cheerio's

   blah. with all this warm weather, the opportunities to write my name in cursive in the snow are disappearing.

   A beautiful girl without a personality, is like a Lamborghini without an engine.

   I don't understand the point of the Shake Weight; if you need weights, wouldn't you already jiggle enough???

   Damn you advertise commercial that "Big Time Rush ft Snoop Dogg -Boy Friend" Imvoluntary stuck on repeat in my Head....!!!

   when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.

   We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings.like,"Well I'm bored let's go brush our teeth"!

   im gonna put a ringtone of a baby crying and put it in a case. Then when it rings I will start punching the bag saying shut up BI*CH!!

   Standing outside on my front lawn with my pants down waiting for Google Earth to pass by and take a picture

   I had a friend on Facebook who's status said "Suicidal..Standing on the edge of a cliff"...... So I poked him

   I'm sorry if you cant understand, but I need a Radio inside my hand!!!

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   When things in your life don't add up, use math. It solves problems!

   If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my azz .