Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Hey guy next to me at the urinal, it's not a shake weight, KNOCK IT OFF... I hate using the bath room at Hooters.

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   Dora and Diego, if your coming into my house it's to clean and landscape the yard.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   given permission to get her B#T#& on. I am really looking forward to tomorrow.

   "Why didn't you answer my phone call?" Oh, sorry I was dancing to the ringtone

   called Rick Astley last night to see if I could borrow some of his Disney Pixar dvds. He said "sure, no problem, you can have anything you want", but I'm pretty sure he's never gonna give me "Up."

   no matter how you spell Gaddafi , it still spells DENIAL

   Kirsty Alley...Ralph Macchio.?....they should call it "Dancing with the has beens."

   Hey you look familiar aren't you in my AA?

   Dam you Charlie Sheen, your making Danny Bonaduce look normal.

   Home school kid caught dating his teacher.....whoa what?

   who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?

   I've lost my mind! But that's okay, as sick as it is it won't get far!

   I bet the last time you got a piece of ass is when your fingers slipped through the toilet paper!

   Shes great on the piano but she sucks on the organ lol