Funny Status Messages

   Joe Rogan is to MMA as Pocket Knife is to ear cleaning?

   Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?

   Sheen needs one more GF, then he could have Charlies Angels....I'm Sheens new PR guy. ;)

   Winning is addicted to me...

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   *scratching neck and chin..."I gotta tell you something Joe Rogan....I take Charlie Sheen"

   Muammar Gaddafi owns a house in New Jersey.....wow he really is crazy....hey Snooki, new meat.

   Charlie Sheen is like an old kung fu movie, his mouth stops moving but he still keeps talking.

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   When you don't know the difference between your/you're and their/there then we/us don't know what the hell YOU'RE saying over THERE.

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   I think Buno Mars would be an awesome wingman..he'd be catching all the grenades for me! lol

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   What All Fortune Cookies Should Say: You are about to take a dump in 10 minutes.

   I spy on my girlfriend to make sure she doesn't cheat by cutting two eye-holes in a massive newspaper. I'm so behind the times.

   Fact of the day: You can't spell 'prostitution' without 'STI'

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft. The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.