Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   Arriving to an event in a Hummer limo is a great way to let everyone know you have herpes.

   just picking up a little bit of the green eyed monster from our colonial cousins,just stick to what you do best and slag your own leaders off,we have trees older than your country ,so just wind your neck in junior. !!

   She said "there's plenty of girls, why me?" I said "cuz you r stupid enough to think it's just u!" :)

   Life is not about what you wanna do, it's about what you can do...

   The people of England paid a heavenly price for the wedding of Cap'n Crunch ,. and didnt even get a lousy t-shirt...

   just saw a beautiful pregnant woman on crutches. He immediately has a deeply ingrained lifetime fetish.

   Adding the word "haha" to make the statement not so serious.

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   Looking forward to the royal divorce.

   Today was brought to you by redbull. Lots and lot of redbull.

   In honor of the Royal wedding coinciding with the release of Fast 5...I liveth my days one furlong at a time. For that fortnight or less, I possess the greatest freedom.

   ....and outta nowhere they wheeled the piano in, Elton put on those freaky glasses,and Pippa did a poledance in the aisle!

   Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!

   At the Royal Wedding Reception. The Queen is blitzed on Mai Tais and keeps screaming for the DJ to "crank the Foghat."

   Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.

   Twenty bucks says The Royal Divorce will get better ratings. Also, note to self, that's an amazing band name.

   If I had Morgan Freeman's voice I would sit in a corner and talk to myself for days.