Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok, Mind block, Pen stop, Eye pop, Full shock, Jaw drop, Time up, No Luck.

   Heart breaks are like a broken mirror, you can still put the pieces together, but the cracks will still remain. 

   Everything happens for a reason & sometimes it's better for us not to know that reason.

   I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t

   sorry babe, I'm not lighting candles to be romantic.......lighting candles cause I just took a dump

   I miss that age when I THOUGHT I knew everything. Cause now that I do, it's kinda depressing...

   so this lady is buying a birthday card and diet suppliments, cant help but wonder if these items are not related or if she's just a b!tch

   Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"

   When someone from customer service says, "that is an excellent question"... they're basically saying they don't have a clue about the answer.

   I hate trying new clothes on in the dressing room and then looking at yourself in the mirror after putting your old clothes back on.

   The minute people fall in love they become liars

   I am watching a homeless dude outside of a building using his reflection in the window to help him shave.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Went to Walmart in my bum yard work clothes today ..but strangley did not feel out of place...

   Boy are there ever a lot of garages for sale in my neighbour hood..

   I love how my laptopshasta a warning that says You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work. Lol "work". I wish I got paid to watch porn..

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to anything he says when he is drunk. It's the alcohol talking and it will wear off. And he will just claim amnesia when he sobers up.

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.