Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The coffee maker is moving so slow, it's upsetting the space-time continuum.

   A cop tried to pull me over for not having a rear-view mirror, but I didn't see him.

   How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?

   the next thing Casey Anthony googles better be "Self Defense"

   The jury was carefully selected based on their beliefs. Primarily, the ir belief that the Sun circles the Earth, and the preferred method of courtship is to bonk a woman over the head with a club then drag her into a cave.

   What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..

   Why even ask how my weekend was if youre just going to interrupt me halfway through to say Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.

   Heres your social security card. Its paper & has to last you forever. Dont laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   I had a bad feeling Casey was getting off the hook when I saw the envelope the verdict was in had been sealed by duct tape.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

   One day... Facebook, Youtube, Myspace and Friendster will come together as one. It will be called, FookYouMyFriend.

   Excuse me Casey Anthony but Kanye West says OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!!

   If diamonds are a girls best friend and a dog is mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

   I have to take my paycheck to the bank. Its too little to go by itself.

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking

   I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

   Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

   Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

   All I know is- If you let a month go by without reporting your missing child, then you are guilty of something.

   The sad part about this whole Casey Anthony ordeal is that she will probably have her own TV show.. and write a book that half of the americans will buy... its sad.