Funny Status Messages

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   Things could be worse, like the meteorite the size of a house that flew between the Earth and the moon last night which if it had taken a slightly different course would have made your problems seem kind of trivial. So smile and be happy!

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   Hey got a new challenge for you Trumpster haters... Post a pic of you tearing your stimulus check up on social media.

   Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   * Thank goodness I have direct deposit so I can advoid having to see his signature on my check.

   Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?

   * His signature looks like one of his lie detector print outs.

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   I don’t know about you guys but I have been receiving at least 10 “potential spam” calls a day. I am not answering unless they bring me pre paid Visa cards.

   America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.

   When I see all these zoom video chat conferences, I think of the opening scene of "The Brady Bunch"

   the homeless guy who gives me handies for five bucks made me sanitize my junk first because of COVID concerns. that is pretty woke for a homeless dude.

   The WHO doesn't deserve funding since they haven't put out an album since the 1970's.