Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 478 of 6383
Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.
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01-19-2020 08:07
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"It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.
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01-18-2020 22:11 by Starman
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I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.
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01-18-2020 21:17 by Fazzy
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Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.
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01-18-2020 21:14 by Fazzy
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I really want to meet a redneck, hillbilly who own stocks.
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01-18-2020 18:53
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DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds
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01-18-2020 18:37
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Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.
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01-18-2020 15:18
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I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
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01-18-2020 11:16
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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01-18-2020 11:09
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Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.
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01-18-2020 07:12
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Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.
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01-18-2020 07:02
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If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds
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01-18-2020 04:27
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How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?
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01-18-2020 03:57
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"I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."
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01-17-2020 20:16 by Starman
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My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"
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01-17-2020 17:08 by Fazzy
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"The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV
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01-17-2020 14:58
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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01-17-2020 14:57
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If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.
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01-17-2020 11:27
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Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...
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01-17-2020 10:27
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Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then
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01-17-2020 09:34
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