Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?

   God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   Mosquito season is here. Put a fabric softener dryer sheet in your pocket to keep those pesky critters at bay. Even if it doesn't work, the Skeeters will be velvety soft and attain an April Fresh scent.

   I'm immune to your accusations of homophobia.Some of my best shirts are gay.

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   I celebrated 9/11 by swiping towels from motels that were not American owned. Take THAT, Towel Heads.

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together