Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   Best breakup line - Our relationship is fat, its not working out.

   Daughter - IPod. Son - IPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - I Pay.-_-

   At what point, did my pain become your pleasure?

   I can't afford an iPad so I got an iPatch instead.It's the pirate version ... Aarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

   Things that must stop - Women drawing on their eyebrows and having to go to the bathroom just to change expressions.

   its hump day and I wanna be on top

   Karma is fair - you will get what you give.

   A Smart woman does not make babies with boyfriends.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.

   Breaking news: Republican Bob Turner wins Weiner's old seat. Hmmm.. I hope they steam cleaned it for him??

   Breaking News. Hurricane Katia sweeps across UK. Rain so bad that one person had to use an umbrella.

   Hurt them with the TRUTH, don't please them with a LIE.

   Maybe he is perfect for you BUT you are not perfect for him.

   The fact that women should be equal to men, doesn't mean that they have to make the same mistakes.