Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   MY gf says I would look real sexy with a Brazilian ..so I'm off to First choice hope she likes it, and its only ..$17.99.

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   know pizza, know peace. no pizza, no peace

   copying status's from many pages ago and re posting them in the hope people aint seen them before, in attempt to make myself look funny.

   when captain morgan files his taxes for this year .... he's gonna claim me as a dependent

   Hey people who abbreviate "text" to "txt," hly fck, ur lzy!

   Until the protestors organize a occupy bourbon street, they are pretty much on their on...

   Apple & Blackberry crumble!!!

   I gave three women Corona's today and not one of them appeared in a bikini! Dang false advertising!!

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   All I want is to live in a world where kids don't lose their s*** when they see Elmo.

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.