Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   Guys: When you're watching your friend play a single player game, you secretly hope they die.

   there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   Hey Europe just because you call your bathing suit a racing brief doesn't mean you don't look like a man wearing panties!

   who keeps posting all these lameo spongebob jokes please stop your wasting space for the good stuff thats put here daily

   I am not an alcoholic, I am a social drinker. I can't help it if I'm more social than the rest of you!!

   Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.

   I taught her how to love, she taught me how to hate.

   Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables, ok? :)

   there a market for a limo "General Lee" where you consume alcohol from a Mason jar and have direct access to a "Dixie" horn? One can only dream...

   Want to finish that game of Monopoly we started 10 years ago???

   It's casual Friday. Go give your boss the finger!

   Some people don't need an "Easy" button, they need a "STFU" button.

   The nice black lady working at my hotel is named "Cliche". I hope her brother is named "Stereotype".

   Now that we've separated all the crazies into "Tea Party" and "Occupy Wall Street," can us normals just get on with our lives?

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."

   You know you're country when you use a horse trailer to move.

   Because I was born in the 90s I have, so far, lived through 3 decades, 2 centuries and 2 millenniums and I am yet to be 20!