Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   i totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger

   (Continued) DASANI (part of the COCA-COLA company) water bottles. After a long day of protesting they'll get in their CHEVY, FORD, GM vechicles powered by gasoline from EXXON/MOBIL, CHEVRON, CONOCO/PHILLIPS and will stop and eat at MC DONALD'S, SUBWAY, TA

   I think it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, carring signs made with posterboard and markers they bought at WALMART, while wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their MOTOROLA or AT&T camera phones, and drinking from

   has been celebrating Columbus Day by walking into my neighbors homes and telling them that I live there now.........

   I can tell my girlfriend's Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them.

   I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke

   well at least Quikflix lived up to its name.

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. Not meant to go together. But shake us up and, hell I dunno, put us on your salad.

   Paul McCartney is going to be pissed when he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.....

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   who cleans up after seeing eye dogs?

   Celebrating Columbus Day by walking into some stranger's house and telling them I live there now.

   When ever my wife says I got you something,i think"great what kind of useless thing did you buy me with my money"...

   How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!