Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.

   Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.