Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   he wind is CraZy this morning... I went out for a smoke and the wind blew my robe plum over my head... I felt like Marylin Monroe ...

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   Michael Jackson's bodyguards are now saying; "if Michael Jackson were alive, there is NO WAY he would want Dr Murray on trial." DUH if Michael Jackson was alive, Dr Murray WOULDN'T be on trial now would he? Well played bodyguards, well played.

   what the fk is a kardashian, and how the hell do you get a bieber pregnant?

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians..

   Dear anchormen: We all have the Internet now. Why do you even exist still?

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

   being rich doesn't equal happiness but i'd rather cry in a ferrari

   I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......

   How long until Justin Bieber releases a cover of Billie Jean? "♫ She's just a girl who says that I am the one... But the kid is not my son! ♫"

   NAMES: I bet you 10 times out of 10, guys with names like Ricky, Vinnie. Tony, Eddie will beat the sh*t out of guys with names like Kyle, Blaine, Brent, Cecil

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!!

   not interested in a girl? tell her you're going through a horrific vesectomy process & you're really concentrating on that right now.