Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good to have a blind friend,,if you fart just plug your nose and point and nod.

   If you don't have anything nice to say... Put it on twitter

   Today I heard the band Queen is holding auditions for a lead singer via youtube. I was gonna audition but I look ridiculous in a leotard.

   I heard that girls like it when I play hard to get, So I've locked myself in my apartment & turned off my phone. Now, I wait.

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".

   Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.

   The new craze: Corduroy pillows! They're making head lines.

   Remember those people that made lame jokes like "I miss my wife so I backed up and tried again"? I miss them.

   People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.

   It used to be called a diary, unfortunately it's called Facebook now.

   Well I won the predometer challenge at work !! 70miles I did!!!woo hoo.. Prize??? 1 free Gym membership..ME!? GYM!? lol only machine I use in the Gym is the one selling Mars Bars,Crisps and Twix's !!!

   would avoid you like a redneck relative!!

   sometimes ya gotta dance with the devil to get out of hell!!

   I'm not tring to impress you but I can swim without floatieessss

   I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

   pornography wouldn't be so popular if you could smell it...

   Im starting to think my dog is a spy... she has simply seen too much

   The walking dead:::: best show on t.v..also on netflix..