Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it.

   My hobbies are gardening, origami and meditation. In other words: growing weed, rolling a fat one, and passing out in a stupor.

   Yo Momma is so fat, that when she sat on the iPhone she created the iPad.

   Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, sh*t stains are difficult to get out of sheets.

   waiting alone in the car; Everyone outside automatically becomes a rapist...

   attention!! there is a football team in the Dallas /Fort worth area, runs Bad, cant do reverse, have not found title in years. if intrested, pls contact owner who walk the side lines of Billion dollar house . no calls after regular season!

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Oh you're too good for me?! Last I checked you were knocked up when you were 13...

   S/o to all the pedophiles out nervously candy shopping for their big perverted day. Ol nasty asses

   Trick or Treating at the strip clubs never been better, I'm so glad Candys working tongiht!!

   Best way to describe me: beautiful on the inside and outside. Mainly outside.

   If you delete me as a friend…can you at least leave your obituary?

   froget Halloween its about to be the first of the month. I need my foodstamps, I'm hungry as hell!

   according to lipton the best way to make tea is to agitate the bag so every morning morning I slap the wife on the ass and say two sugars fatty

   Instead of Hooters, they should call it "Flat-Chesters."

   FYI Obama has given billions in corporate welfare...^

   Republicans complain about people on welfare and unemployment benefits but want their businesses bailed out. Thats what I call "corporate welfare".

   Yesterday doesn't exist - Tomorrow never comes - There is only today - Now let these b!tches have it!

   You know it's bad when the only thing women feel while having sex with you is remorse.

   piece be with you, especially if it's ass