Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Absolutely hate when my touch screen touches things I had no intention of touching.

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood

   obviously all these people hatin on Occupy wall street HAVE a job.

   Like nature and opportunities, when booty calls...I answer

   Dude! He just called you a thief! Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!

   RIP: Occupy Wall Street. Go occupy a job now.

   Friends are like Snowflakes, If you pee on them they disappear.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky

   If I was a rapper, I would use the stage name Gee Wizzy

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   "Do I smoke?" Only when I'm on fire. Which happens much less often now that I've cut back on the whole Tequila and fireworks combo.

   That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room

   If it's foggy out and you are driving without your headlights on, I pray you don't find a "good" parking space this holiday season.

   "theres plenty of fish in the sea"...apparently I'm looking where bp had an oil spill cause all I find is dirty ones

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

   Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night and told the locals that one but the locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 18 and I'm 27. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

   I swear my ex girlfriend has weekly workshops with the devil. I just don't know how much he pays her.

   12 gold hoops, 11 fake uggs, 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 snotty noses, 7 different dads, 6 grams of sniff, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.