Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Whenever I see the new "Obama 2012" bumper sticker, I immediately assume whoever owns that car has been living on the moon for the past three years......just saying

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - the baby turns out to be Blade. And Wesley Snipes slaughters all those teenage vampires.

   I used to think you took my breath away. Then I realized I was just suffocated by your bulls!ht...

   In the immortal words of the great Philosopher, Method Man: "Cash rules everything around me, dolla dolla bill y'all."

   The Universe is now in harmony. Just saw a redhead drink a Ginger Ale.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   I wonder how popular the occupy Poland movement will get? #toosoon?

   Real Playas put Mistletoe on their belt.

   Ambulances are SUCH drama queens.

   Dress well and all doors will open for you. Wear Crocs and all the doors will close on you.

   Hey, if y'all have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.

   A Game? I don't know. . . Skyrim sounds like something you pay a hooker extra for.

   NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.

   I dont know why these stupid employment agency websites keep suggesting that I link my job application profile to my Facebook page. If employers ever visit my Facebook page, I will never get a job in this lifetime.

   You may be pushing Christmas a little too much if you take your candle out of your Jack-O-Lantern and stick it in your Window!!...Just Sayin..

   I let my family know I'm going to Vegas soon, they reply "can we come" I say "do you bring a hooker to Disneyland?" then why would I bring family to Vegas..!