Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!

   TWILIGHT has pretty much forever ruined the names, Edward, Bella & Jacob.

   Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   Hey status messages auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

   I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.

   Dear life, whats the fricking recipe for lemonade?