Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May Your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump, May your potatoes n' gravy, Have nary a lump, May your yams be delicious, May your pies be the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off of your thighs.

   When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it's probably time for a replacement.

   I'm finishing off this bottle of wine because you never know when an asteroid is gonna hit and I'd hate to waste the $6.49 I spent on it.

   Edward isn't a vampire, he lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles..Dat fool is obviously a fairy a$$.

   Your pinky is the your smallest finger but the secrets it holds are huge.

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.

   I don't need a watch to tell me that my time is now or never.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS!

   All computers wait at the same speed!

   A blond and brunette were walking and the brunette says "look a dead bird" the blond looks up and says "where where?"

   a facebookworm

   That lady from the target commercial scares me.

   “Thanksgiving dinner price highest in 20 years” PLAN: I'm putting together a list of Thanksgiving invites......stop in say hi, hug everyone, grab a plate and go to next house, cheapest Thanksgiving in 20 years!

   "As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly" - Les Nessman, WKRP Radio

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   It's an awkard situation when you make a milk shake and no one shows up in your yard.

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   With great power comes a great electricity bill.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.