Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..

   I wonder if Penn state is going to change there mascots name from the Nittany Lion, to the Penn state pedophiles?

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Want Some Bacon

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like poop..!!!

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t

   Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   I know I am good,but I can be better!

   All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!

   I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   "False information" spelled backwards is "False information"

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.