Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   It's an awkard situation when you make a milk shake and no one shows up in your yard.

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   With great power comes a great electricity bill.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.

   If only the Indians had given the Pilgrims donkey on Thanksgiving. We'd all be getting some ass today.

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   The radio shouldve started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.

   Damn, The supermarket is out of Turkey Hill.

   Breasts, great on chicks, AND turkeys

   I am tying the legs together keeps the inside moist...

   I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

   Dear Santa, This year please bring me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix them up as you have in previous years. Thanks!

   I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye.

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys.

   regretting his decision to celebrate hump day by getting a camel tattooed on his big toe!

   My mom still hasn't gotten her Mother's Day card, the post office wasn't lying when they sold me the "forever" stamp.