Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."

   Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, Ben and Jerry are!

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

   Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.

   Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.

   nothings more horrifying than when you do an early flush and then start to feel wetness.

   Laughter burns calories.

   I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

   about to give $$$ to a homeless peddler....until his I-Phone went off.

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   And I damn sure don't wait until all the numbers on the calendar match to pray.

   I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   Not everything with a coin slot is a vending machine.. I mean, look at her.