Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   I have a very busy Sunday planned today......Watching football and Nascar while converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. ツ

   Karma is like a 69, you get what you give.

   I'm a member of the CSI - “Can't. Stand. Idiots.”

   If Paris Hilton was a super hero she would be called Wonder why your famous woman!

   Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.

   HER: "My feelings for you changed soon as you called me a b!tch" ME: "My feelings for you changed soon as you started being one"

   Why did Bella choose Edward instead of Jacob??? Cause Edward can still go down on her even if it's her time of the month

   thinking.......We should be able to text 911, in case were hiding from a cereal killer and don't want them to hear us. 0.o

   Hmm, I should throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   "Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"

   The people made of chocolate from the Hershey's commercials freak me out...

   If a stripper has company, does she offer them two cups of T and some A?

   Did you that a slug has 3,000 teeth and four noses. Beating out Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers by eight teeth.

   I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.

   Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"

   After several experiments I've determined it's impossible to overdose on cheese