Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   I'm still wondering why people were so uptight about that meteor that nearly hit earth a few days ago....It seems to me we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any assistance from an asteroid!

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   I don't understand why people are so amazed when I say that my grandfather survived Auschwitz. I mean, most German officers did.

   Girls: Theres always going to be that girl you think is much prettier, funnier, sweeter and just generally more perfect but have you ever realized that you're probably that girl to someone else?

   Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

   Penn State located in Happy Valley and they play football in Beaver Stadium....I so did not see this SEX Scandal coming.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?

   just put your "Big Girl Panties" on and deal with it!!

   I love my wife, and God bless her for packing my lunch. But when you whip out a fruit roll up on a construction site, you get looks!

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.

   If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..

   I wonder if Penn state is going to change there mascots name from the Nittany Lion, to the Penn state pedophiles?

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Want Some Bacon

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like poop..!!!

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t