Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   I just finished putting up my Christmas lights...well actually all I had to do was turn them back on again, since they've been up all year anyway.

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   I never make the same mistake twice. Except for that time in Thailand. But in my defence they had really small atoms apples.

   "I faked all my LOLs."

   I Once seen an eskimo pee ice cubes...

   I think the tin man needs to back to see the wizard ,,what good is a heart sure he can love Dorothy but he has no willy..

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Shake weight...if shaking and tugging like that makes you so buff like that guy on T.V. Should not all males look like this....just saying..?

   Ok, so Christmas has just started. I guess it's time to start buying Easter decorations!

   Motivation Is Not Enough: If You Motivate An Idiot, All You Have Is A Motivated Idiot

   Motivated Idiot: Just found out Vodka is made from potatoes.... Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! I'm currently looking at this carrot, any minute now I'll be a genius.......

   I went to a Gay picnic once , the music was good , decorations were just lovely . The Beer was cold , hamburgers were just delicious but the hot dogs tasted like crap .

   The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while jacking off.

   Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

   It's gotten to the point where I judge people solely on how many Dumb & Dumber quotes they know.

   My dating profile is:- Likes poetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead thing's with a stick.

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. ♥