Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with having so many followers is that simple jokes are now beneath me. Like your mother.

   Teenagers dancing these days looks like sex standing up. Go back to Sluts-R-Us ladies.....

   Apparently Facebook is now Rated...NC-17?!

   Newt Gingrich just said he was "a pretty good debater" I wish he would have said he was a "master debater" instead so I could write something funny about it!

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!

   The saddest part about my neighbor demanding I not serve booze to her kids is finding out they're not cool dwarfs who like to party.

   My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.

   It's funny to hear someone talk normally and then all of a sudden throw in a huge word. EX: "Yo, dude I was walking down the street with my bro and suddenly this hot girl walks by and I was like, 'Damn, that ass is quite prepossessing.'".

   If Apple created the iHouse, it wouldn't have any Window.

   I'm not saying she is a $lut or anything, but if her v@gina was password protected, it would probably be "1234"

   Before looking for intelligent life on planets found in other solar systems, maybe we should look for it on our own planet..

   (on facebook) Friend 1: ugh, I feel so crap I hate my life. Friend 2: aww babe whats wrong??. Friend 1: inbox? Friend 2: yeah okay. Rest of us: well f*ck you then.

   Who needs dementors to suck out your soul when Mondays exist.

   All I want for Xmas is........... Red Solo Cup! I fill you up! Lets have a party!!!

   sitting on my bed wondering what the awful smell was.. then I realized my dog was right next to me.

   Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.

   I miss the days when I could easily guess the password to my parents computer! Now I have to dust for fingerprints to sign in :(

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.