Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like turtles because they're so chill- They're just like: "Hey man, I want to swim, & maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time.

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.

   Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.

   Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.

   does PayPal call anyone else 40 times a day from a 208-515-7481? Them people need to get a life! LOL, I'm not paying you!!

   Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!

   I Could never live in the country..unless theres a 7-11 real close.

   My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   If you start off a status update with "Note to self" its obviously not.

   “I love Eminem” “The candy?” “No, the rapper” “What's so cool about M&M wrappers?”

   LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.

   Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.