Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky

   If I was a rapper, I would use the stage name Gee Wizzy

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   "Do I smoke?" Only when I'm on fire. Which happens much less often now that I've cut back on the whole Tequila and fireworks combo.

   That one minute party you have when the teacher leaves the room

   If it's foggy out and you are driving without your headlights on, I pray you don't find a "good" parking space this holiday season.

   "theres plenty of fish in the sea"...apparently I'm looking where bp had an oil spill cause all I find is dirty ones

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

   Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night and told the locals that one but the locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 18 and I'm 27. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

   I swear my ex girlfriend has weekly workshops with the devil. I just don't know how much he pays her.

   12 gold hoops, 11 fake uggs, 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 snotty noses, 7 different dads, 6 grams of sniff, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.

   "Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!

   I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   FACEBOOK" The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”...

   When people ask for candy I'm eating, I give them the flavor I don't like.

   Was that lightning?" Nooo... they're taking pictures for google earth

   Whenever I wait behind a door to scare someone, they always take too long to come, so I leave disappointed.

   Just found my child-hood Etch-a sketch. My first lap-top.

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.