Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Newt Gingrich says gays can't marry because 'marriage is sacred.' Oh, & every 12 years or so, Newt's needed some new sacred.

   Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!

   To be is to do (Immanuel Kant). To do is to be (Jean-Paul Sartre). Doo be doo be dooo (Frank Sinatra).

   SOMEBODY'S gotta be the best fu*k in town, and it happens to be me.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   has lost her mood ring and is not sure how she should feel about this..

   Snowball Fight! :) o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.❄。¨¯`*✲ ´*。.❄¨¯`*✲。❄*´*。✲O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸¸.✲.¸.o´¯`¸.o´¯`❄¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.✲´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸❄。`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄。¨¯`*�

   Doctors are such teases. First, they coax you into dropping your pants. Then, they don't even let you finish.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   Women are addicting

   i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings

   apparently Conrad Murray wasn't a SMOOTH CRIMINAL like he though. now if he drops the soap he gets a THRILLER.

   Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?

   I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   You are stronger than you think you are. Keep pushing forward, never give up on your dreams, and don't let anyone stop you

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.