Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   A man on the street needs 50 cents to get on the bus. I feel bad for him so I give it to him. The guy smiles, walks in to the nearest bottle shop, comes out with a beer and keeps strolling down the street. Well played homeless man..well played.

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

   While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   Santa knocked on my door yelling "Ho, Ho, Ho!" and I told him that your girlfriend doesn't live here.

   I mustache you a question. Nevermind, I'll shave it for later

   Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..

   My New Year's Resolution? 1080p.

   hates double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's a homosexual.

   Came home to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone..what kind of sick person would do that to someone's advent calendar??

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still technically on the list.