Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I say "It's a long story" to you, It usually means I just don't want to tell you or I'm just lazy to.

   Since Facebook shows everyone when you like or comment to someone's pic. Wouldnt it be fair if it did the same when you remove someone? and the reason Why?

   Maybe because she is watching more football, but I am starting to like it when she stops, calls for a measurement then goes for it.....

   Titty Bars are the male version of window shopping.... You can't afford what you are looking at, but you sure can see yourself in it!

   confusion spawns from not being honest with yourself and true to your own feelings. Now get your head out of your ass!

   If you keep allowing yourself to be used as a doormat, don't complain when you're thrown away for new one once you get worn out.

   In a sad blow to the pervs and rapists, A judge orders no more tent pitching on Wall Street.

   If your parents ever call you a liar, just say "Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa". Then walk away like a BOSS!

   either i'm becoming bitter and judgemental or everyone else has become stupid and pathetic.

   with some of the ugly pics some people post of themselves, I'm just glad facebook isnt in HD

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   senses a disturbance in the force.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   I'm jealous of the occupy movement, I wish I could join in. But I have to occupy my job so my kids can occupy my house.

   Pollen is just flower jizz.