Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my studies, Aliens NEVER wear pants and are all flat chested females.

   I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.

   I made fun of a pale lady with red hair today and I finally saw a real ginger snap.

   We installed a Cain Train around the base of our Christmas tree, but it keeps stopping to hit on the Sugar Plum Fairy ornament.

   Horse meat is now legal food. Look for McDonald's to introduce the supersized McStallion, low fat McMare, and super lean McGelding burgers, and don't forget the McPony for the kids....Thanks Obama!!

   Apparently I am attracted to women who have big jugs. Of pepper spray.

   Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That's a lot of face.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   sitting at work prairie doggin' because I don't want to use the company bathroom. I hope I can hold this in for another 5 hours.

   Obama for Italy 2013

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. This is awesome because I was just starting to think that Chewbaccas were becoming extinct...

   I wish Obama would hurry up & have himself a sex scandal already!!! The last time that happened Unemployment was at 4% & Inflation climbed 1%... Anyone remember the good ole days where Andrew Jackson was King?

   Breaking News:FBI just apprehend notorious fugitive The Joker and his accomplices the Smoker and the Midnight Toker in a one-day crime spree spanning three states....

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".

   this is the stat that never ends it goes on and on my friends someone started reading it not knowing what it was and they'll continue reading it forever just because

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.

   Sitting on Santas lap and realising you're not the only excited one.