Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   Women are addicting

   i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings

   apparently Conrad Murray wasn't a SMOOTH CRIMINAL like he though. now if he drops the soap he gets a THRILLER.

   Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?

   I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   You are stronger than you think you are. Keep pushing forward, never give up on your dreams, and don't let anyone stop you

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   This Cottage cheese needs something. Like a burger and fries.

   Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

   Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair.

   im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet

   Some woman has just said to me... Oh it's the last day of November, are you going to be shaving your tash"... No darling I'm keeping it, what about yours ?

   The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.

   There is no "i" in liar

   Like this status Ladies and I'll take you to see the Muppets Movie.