Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   Every day you are seen is better than the day you are viewed.

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 relatives I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny updates, 9 "in relationship to single, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeens, 4 friend requests, 3 I ignore, 2 annoying pokes and ME in need of happy hour!

   a jealous woman does better research than the FBI

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.