Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I LIKE BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in the huge outdoor ashtray at my work.

   Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...

   This morning I put my phone into airplane mode, and as soon as I did, Kareem Abjul Jabbar knocked on my door dressed in a pilot's uniform.

   FINALS: May cause sleep deprivation, loss of friends and fun, neglect of family, excessive crying and hair loss and burning eyes. Is the semester over yet???

   Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.

   Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago

   Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure!

   If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!

   Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'

   "You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)

   Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.

   When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.

   You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.

   We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!

   I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.

   What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."

   W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.