Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to start living like a dog...If I cant eat it or play with it....I will piss on it and walk away

   Inspire others by inspiring yourself.

   Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?

   Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention' as their Facebook status.

   Deleting your Facebook is just like running away from home. Your're just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour or so..

   It's amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone.

   Women are magicians, they can change anything into an argument.

   They need to make an app that shows you what your name is saved as in other people's phone.

   Decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire (:

   I bet when Jesse James and Kat Von D have sex it looks like 2 Ed Hardy shirts tumbling in a dryer!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   I wish my wife could understand that I have thoughts and feelings. I'm not just some boy-toy, send by god for her pleasure.

   Nobody takes a leap of faith anymore, noone knows what its like to give everything for a chance to win something.. but you know what kellogs poptarts box, i've got a date with destiny.

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.