Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another sign the world is coming to an end: The Packers are losing and the Colts are winning.

   Bathroom model = Body like a stripper + Face like a truck driver!

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

   Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year… ;)

   Amazing,,, that all the xmas gifts I bought today were made in china ,,like what are the odds on that ..!!!

   Profile Pictures: Guys- (•_•) Girls- (°3°)

   when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!

   I hate ants but I love fire= Not a good combination for the ants.>:D

   the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.

   the moment of horror after talking to a gorgeous woman, when you go to the men's room and spot a visible booger hanging out of your nose.

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   while running full speed, that moment between life and death when someone pushes you past your speed limit

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   Why is it there's always "that guy" wearing a jersey to a NFL game when his team is not playing there?!?!?

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie