Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't.

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Guy walking through the Olympic Village when a man askd him "are you a Pole Vaulter" the guys says "No I'm a German but how did you know my name was Valter"

   says Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   FML #18402392Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip.

   That 2010 UK study claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist but it merely proved a bunch of British scientists couldn't find it.

   Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!

   treasure your kids when they are young - during the teenage years, you'll wish you had eaten them at birth-

   Geriatric Mythbusters: Nice little old ladies are not necessarily nice. Or little.

   I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.

   There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people....

   Sometimes just for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction....

   I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   Using your phone very strategically when it hits "Low Battery."

   They should rename Bass Pro Shop to, Fat, bald white man store, thats all you ever see when you walk in

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   I always release a new version of myself on Tuesdays.