Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only a few more days until those “yo, 2012 is about to be my year” status updates..

   Has the NORAD Santa tracker stopped working? It says he's been at the Cheetahs Club in NYC for the past 48 hours.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

   How many people ending a Facebook conversation by liking the last comment.If so like this comment

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.