Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   Nothing aggravates me more than to hear a career politician say, "I am not a career politician."

   i may be drunk, but you're ugly, and I can sober up.. when I feel like it

   What is it with all Highways across America where once grown men get on there.. they are immediately obsessed with sticking their finger up their nose to their 2nd Knuckle ?

   My New Year's Resolution For 2012: I Vow Only To DRINK ON THE DAYS That Ends With The Letter "Y" (-̮•̃)

   next year I'm wrapping all of our Christmas presents in bubble wrap....it will be like two gifts in one!!!!

   They should make a app for the IPhone that yells "Code Blue Stat" when the battery is weak.

   My ex told me "You don't take our relationship seriously anymore its over." "Finish your sentence, over." I giggled into my pretend walkie talkie.

   I'm sorry but I dont understand some wh!te people...They are the only type of people I see in 20 degree weather wearing sock and sandels with shorts on acting like its f*ckin summertime..

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.

   Anyone know how to open a washing machine door from the inside?

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   Ladies: If a guy is willing to risk his manhood by entering one of those girly shops just to buy you a present, marry him right away.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad"

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex"

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.