Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook timeline, creating new arguments for the future !

   out of her mind. Please leave a message and the men in the white coats may let me return your call sometime soon.

   Dreaming of a White Christmas? You r@cist b@stards.

   Merry Christmas to the Bathroom models around the world.

   Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.

   Drinking alone: The combination of my two favorite things.

   Some guy is yelling, "Man, I'm fu*kin' such an idiot!" I said, "That's poor grammar, you should say, "Man, I'm such a fu*kin' idiot." He goes, "Naw man, I mean I'm having sex with someone with an IQ of 25 or lower."

   You know I might not be the best looking but back in the 80's my COMMUNITY voted me 2nd place and $10 in a beauty contest. However shortly after that by CHANCE I went straight to jail and didn't collect $200

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   HAVE YOU FOUND A REAL JOB YET?!!!!! no,i've been searching for a FAKE job that'll pay me FAKE money,to pay all my FAKE bills off,so when I retire,i can move to a FAKE retiree home in florida.

   Server Maintenance is scheduled for December 16 @ 8:00pm EST. Stay tuned for a new layout! More

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob