Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   When watching the DIY network your remote should automatically not allow you to change the channel or volume. So now you have to get up and......

   HIM: “You look like a Barbie!” HER: “Thanks. You mean tall, slim and beautiful right?” HIM: “Hell no! I mean plastic and without a brain.”

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   I have a life outside Facebook...but I have forgotten the password for it.

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   I wonder what Rebecca Black thinks of Samoa skipping out on Friday?.......

   So this book said to be a lesbian I need to lick carpet. For the last hour I have been laying on my floor licking my carpet and I feel no different.

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   that money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can buy you beers to drink in the shower.

   To all my friends with short attention spans,

   glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by both men as well as women.

   playing a fun drinking game. Every time somebody says "you can't drink alcohol in the office" I have to down a shot.

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   admits that the Nazis were terrible, but look on the bright side: At least we got some awesome Indiana Jones movies out of it.

   undefeated at BattleShip. Mostly because I stack my ships on top of one another.