Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I married my wife she always said how smart I was. After we got married, according to her, I became a complete idiot who could not even tie his own shoes without her help. Please explane how I retrograded.

   Stephen Hawking announces the biggest mystery in the universe is women. In related news, Tiger Wood's ex-wife bull-dozes a 12 million dollar mansion... I think he might be on to something!

   Why don't bald guys with beards just walk upside down?

   My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.

   Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Encyclopedias are just ghetto Google.

   You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme

   Wanna put your relationship's trust to the test, switch phones for a day. See who gets uncomfortable and defensive about the idea first.

   You know your lazy when you would rather text some one from across the room instead walking over to talk.

   Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.

   Probably won't see War Horse. I'd definitely think about seeing a movie titled Skirmish Pony.

   I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an arab counting down from ten your instincs kick in.

   Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head.

   Dear Jack, your Jumbo Deal isn't jumbo enough, Sincerely I'm still hungry !!!

    As much as I love butter spray bottles it just makes me want Bacon spray bottles." I'd put that $hit on everything "

   SWAG= Stupid. Wack . Ass. Gangsta'

   Whatever happened to the honesty box?

   Can somebody please explain to me! I've never actually seen it but I hear it all the time "There's one born every minute" Thats about mexicans right?

   Scientist - My findings are pointless when they are taken out of context......Main Stream Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless."