Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tim Teebow is like a tampon...only good for one period

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   slipped on some black ice and is now missing a wallet and watch

   So black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice... Surprise Surprise.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi Down there?”

   blackparent:*spank* . DIDNT . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND ! *spank*!

   I'd appreciate it if the city just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   i just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by getting my daughters batteries with toys not included for Christmas this year.

   Why are you all so upset about Dr Pepper For Men? I mean, Subaru makes cars just for lesbians!

   If you include your kid's high GPA score in your Christmas letter grandma will be proud but everyone else hates you.

   1993 called, they want their jokes back.

   Sex is like pancakes ... God I love Pancakes !!

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   The guys who ask a woman if they can kiss her are the same rookies who wear socks during sex.

   I've just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40..........I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.....

   Single Women - When you get your Facebook 'Timeline' take a long hard look at it, and you'll see WHY you are STILL single.

   There is something definitely wrong with a grown ass 30 year old woman crashing and obsessing on Chris Brown. Grow up!

   let's be real; Boris Kodjoe doesn't drive a Ford, Blake Griffin doesn't drive a Kia and J-Lo doesn't drive a Fiat. What is this? The "This is the car I would drive if I was broke" ad season?

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.