Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone crafted this little gingerbread man out of cookie dough and lovingly baked it. Now I have to explain to him about death.

   I'm so good in bed that my privates were promoted straight to generals.

   North Korea is retiring all size 3 women's shoes and size 87 sunglasses in honor of Kim Jong Il's death.

   We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.

   During the holiday season"s prisoners should only be aloud to watch the travel channel 24/7..

   i wasn't that drunk ?!!! dude you threw a toothpick in the forest, and yelled "ur home "

   OH my god!!!!! are you crying ?!!!! no I`m impersonating a fountain. j

   You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing,

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person . He sends me a note today "She is your Facebook friend_ you have her already" !

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez - Not a good year for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   not really surprised about Kim Jongs dearh, it was inevitabre, inevit, inevitabre, inevitabrey going to happen!

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool 2nd daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Does anyone in this family like *%#k? Son: I do!

   WATER - Giver of Life….Destroyer of Witches….Improver of T-Shirt contests.....

   Drawing sunglasses on the sun never really made sense to me.

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators