Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.

   I have to admit...as a woman I am jealous of men who can get morning wood. I could use a piece this morning.....to beat my alarm clock with!!!

   Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p

   There are 3 kind of people.. The one's that know how to count and the ones that don't

   No matter how good he looks.. Someone somewhere is tired of his sh*t!...

   posting "I love you!!!" today on Facebook is the equivalent to shouting it from the top of a mountain back in the day.

   To all guys who say they don't understand women: You don't have to understand how a TV works to enjoy watching it, do you?

   Before I married my wife she always said how smart I was. After we got married, according to her, I became a complete idiot who could not even tie his own shoes without her help. Please explane how I retrograded.

   Stephen Hawking announces the biggest mystery in the universe is women. In related news, Tiger Wood's ex-wife bull-dozes a 12 million dollar mansion... I think he might be on to something!

   Why don't bald guys with beards just walk upside down?

   My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.

   Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Encyclopedias are just ghetto Google.

   You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme

   Wanna put your relationship's trust to the test, switch phones for a day. See who gets uncomfortable and defensive about the idea first.