Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!

   Those who say they "I slept like a baby" obviously have never had one.

   Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

   I disliked the Mexican one simply because you put hafta

   What did the little black kid get for Christmas? My bike :(

   I am convinced majority of women only wear high-heels to work so they don't have to help move stuff.

   Officer, I promise this weed is prescription, it's for my pathological lying!!

   The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.

   If it weren't for texting driving would be so boring!

   I'd appreciate it if the phone company just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!

   Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?

   Everyone knows someone that can't take the hint when you're trying to end a conversation with them.

   I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

   Ladies: Don't keep him guessing for too long or he will find the answer somewhere else.

   The only thing worse about sneezing while going down stairs with a cup of coffee is now you got to go back up and fill er up again...

   I'm sorry madam, but your clothes have to go...but you can stay.

   I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   ha here I thought LMS meant lick my sucker