Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...

   There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.

   "1..2..3.. SMILE!"...... "Did you take it yet?" "Damn, it's on video!"

   Wouldn't be nice to see if there is an alien on a far away planet that acts exactly like you do.

   When people say to me, "I don't have time", I ask them then why are you still alive.

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.

   Watch out, I'm in just the mood to steal someone's armadillo today.

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?

   Thank god I have Facebook to know that Christmas Eve is tomorrow and that people are going Christmas shopping and that Christmas is Sunday.

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

   I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

   if you have something really big to wrap, don't waste time on wrapping paper. Just buy a cheap plastic table cloth. ho ho ho

   Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   I'm out of Christmas wrapping paper? So I've simply converted birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday" in biro.

   You cant tell me you dont feel like a Jedi everytime you walk through an automatic door.....especially when there's a big sign on the door saying EXIT and you walk in.

   A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa send me your mother

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   There is just never enough Cashiers at Walmart! The only time there's enough cashier at Walmart is in the morning at 8am, when no is really thinking about shopping.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!

   I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early