Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.

   The weather man (drug dealer) says I can have a white Christmas (cocaine) with plenty of trees (weed) and now I'm happy (broke)

   GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   If you are living your life without giving an "f", You are living a li[ ]e .

   Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.

   I wonder if Satan gets a lot of wish lists in the mail during the holiday season from dyslexic people.

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Dear Santa , before I try to explain . Just how much do you aleady know .

   having Deja vu. I think I've read these on twitter before.

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night

   well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!! what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

   Do you know why Beyonce sings "to the left, to the left"... because women have no rights. LOL

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.

   I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.

   I just saw a commercial with Joan Rivers. Could her real face have been anywhere near as bad as that clown mask she had welded to the front of her head?