Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.

   When first talking to your kids about Santa, don't say he's God's drunk brother in law. Trust me...

   Excellent! My prediction of the millions of "Merry Christmas" status updates is coming along perfectly. Now all I need is a million "Happy New Years" status updates and my goals of knowing the obvious will be complete.

   I was good at studies tilll I took an arrow to the knee...now I get by with the physically handicapped quota

   If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!

   i used to be funny like you all, then I took an arrow to the knee

   i hope santa brings me my post apocalyptic survival kit tomorrow! aka: a 12 pack

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   Ever notice that our President's initials are B.O. makes sense because he stinks

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   If judging others is a sin, Santa must be going to hell.

   I'm dreaming of a liberal Christmas, where nothing is paid for, I always sit on the couch with my hand out, waiting for the people with jobs to pay me more.

   .Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney!