Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!

   why do you keep talking to me? what part of "I don't care" do you not understand?!

   My voice is so gay an awkward sounding.. I make it deeper at work on the phone or over the PA system to sound like "one of the guys"

   I love "words with friends" so much I wish they would make it a board game.

   -Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   The other day I seen this written over a public urinal; "Don't be looking on the wall for something funny because the joke's in your hands!"

   This just in!! The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy......More details to come as the story develops

   In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.

   Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.

   It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

   Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   I can't be Levi never tried speech wreck ignition soft wear be four. This is sofa king convene Yenta!

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   In honor of the #WikipediaBlackout to protest SOPA, I will also be blacking out tonight.

   so does this mean there are no more Kodak moments?