Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere in the ghetto is a family that leaves the lights on in the kitchen so the roaches don't take over at night!

   Doggystyle makes every chick pretty.

   I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em

   'Amber Alert' would be a bada$$ name for a stripper.

   Do I really have to explain why I love you? Okay fine. I love you because you give good head.

   It's always funny when a basic chick tries to pass herself off as a model.

   Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   thinks they should make one of those laser pointer things that instantly detect STD's so you can point it at people when they try to shake your hand or hug you.

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@

   WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.