Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   Joe Paterno's doctors also said they wish they could have done more.

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   "What do you mean the Broncos played last week?" -God

   rip joe paterno - his glasses will be donated to science and studied to see if they allow you to see anything!!

   if you get caught cheating run...

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

   Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.

   i still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!

   I must be a lesbian trapped in a man's body... 'coz when I see an "all you can eat" sign, my mouth gets so wet...

   Boy: "Can I buy you a drink?"..................... Girl: "Alcohol is bad for my legs"........... Boy: "Why? Do they Swell?".....Girl: "No, they spread."