Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   A girlfriend once told me, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "You're right, I am amazing."

   I love making people laugh. I just hate it when it happens when I get out of the shower and It's my wife. LOL!

   5 out of 6 people feel the need to tell other people their dreams, while 6 out of 6 people don't give a sh!t.

   I'm pretty sure going down on Lindsay Lohan is like licking a 9-volt battery.

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   When dogs sniff and pee on a tree, that's like their facebook.

   You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you learn, you've been hurt, but you're alive. You're not perfect, you're human.

   Hood word of the day:TIED Usage: I'm not going out tonight bruh, I'm tied as hell

   Only half an hour to Republic day. Hope you all are photoshopping your DP with the tricolor background already.

   Tragedy strikes Honah Lee. Puff the Magic Dragon, last seen as he frolicked in the mist was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the Chinese, Year of the Dragon....Police are seaching for Little Jackie Paper. Foul play is suspected.

   (-.(-.(-.-).-).-) easy now... The Chinese mafia is watching.

   I hate it when random people calls me up and asks, "Did I call the right #?" ........"No buddy, you called the Left one!"

   For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

   Drinking wine alone is not lonely, it's romantic. Damn self, you got nice eyes ;)

   I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not ! Ok !

   H.O.E.S. Happily Offering Everyone Sex.

   We are living in a age where losing our mobile phone is more hurtful than the break up!