Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I hear Jennifer Hudson sing "I am you, you are me...If you want it you got it..." Then I'm going to start expecting her Weight Watchers endorsement checks.

   Today is my day off so I'll spend it worrying that I'm wasting my day off before I have to go back to work.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

   Just walked into the kitchen and a broom fell towards me. I yelled "ah!" and pushed it away. Bring it on ninjas!

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   Dear Wednesday, Please treat me nicely, Thanks.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Im not a Giants fan but I pay NY taxes so I can root for them whenever I want.

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   If it's called a walkie talkie,. How come a vacuum isn't called a Pushy sucky?

   Tragedy strikes Honah Lee, Puff the Magic Dragon was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the year of the dragon.

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   biggest lie women tell: be honest, I wont get mad

   Here's an idea on how our Government function....Democrat stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the Republican stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SH!TT!ER!!'

   Behind every successful status update there is : Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

   I hate when I'm texting in class and someone stupid screams, "IS That A Phone"