Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr. Kotter, Please excuse Juan from class today because he is dead. Signed: Epstein's Mom. R.I.P. Robert Hedges.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   I have a suspicious package.

   If You need me, I'll call You.

   Yo momma is so buff, I let her dry my car off.And may I add; her work ethic is impeccable!

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee

   I instantly smile when I see a text from you, I don't care what's in it. It's amazing to know I crossed your mind even just for a second.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Apparently one in ten people in the UK live next to a paedophile. Not me, I live next to two gorgeous 13 year olds

   I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.

   "An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or any government." - Ron Paul

   Whenever someone says, "I dont drink alcohol" all I hear is, "I am boing"

   SpaghettiOs ® amazing.

   Twenty two seconds ago I wanted to punch you in the face...stupid commercial.

   The key to a womens heart is... giving her all of yours! <3

   Facebook should have a limit to the amount of times you can change your relationship status, after three changes, it should default to "UNSTABLE".

   ‎"Can I see your phone?" "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>