Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music

   HAPPY HOUR - Where the worst selling and nastiest tasting alcoholic beverages are sold for half price to a bunch of alcoholics too drunk to notice.

   when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults

   Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   Ever drive somewhere, completely zoned out, and wonder, ‘How the heck did I just get here?' Then start freaking out about how many red lights you must have ran. Yeah, happens all the time.

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life

   I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

   "You're such a f***-up, your DNA is made up of X's and 'why me's."

   If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.

   "I'm a Barbie Girl, In the Barbie world!! Life in plasic, Its fantastic".....admit it you read this with an annoying womens voice

   If they take the fighting out of hockey, that's it! I'm still not watching it..

   I want to learn the Vietnamese language so I can sit here and understand the ladies doing pedicures. Between their tone and their giggles, I know they're talking Sh*t!!

   I hate it when I am singing along to a good song and they change the words and make it look like I forgot them.

   Old Bay, A1, and hot sauce. That's my "I Put That S**T on everything" list.

   Like a Spider Monkey Hopped up on Mountain Dew !!!!!

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   I just read that having sex burns just as much calories as running 4 miles. Who the f@&k runs 4 miles in 30 seconds?

   My girlfriend wants something with lots of diamonds for Valentine's Day. She is going to love this deck of cards!

   I wish Google could tell me where my T.V. remote is right now.