Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   middle of the night and in my boring backyard. No gold to dig up and no dead bodies to bury...sigh

   Sometimes I just feel like putting my head down, curling my arms in and falling forward to the ground... 'Cos that's the way I roll!

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.

   I wish I could dance like a black guy. Or have epilepsy. Either way.

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   Wow I guess David didn't beat Goliath, Tim Tebow did... what a game.

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"

   Earlier my friend said to me. "What's dizzle my nizzle?" So I brizzled his jizzle and now he's in the hospizzle.

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.

   That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.

   Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.

   It's pure comedy to watch Kim & Kourtney complain about paparazzi when they get paid to have cameras follow them for the reality show.

   Throwing breadcrumbs is the duck equivalent of making it rain.

   Behind every great man, there's a great woman. So just put another great woman in front of that man and you got a Great Man Sandwich!

   I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!

   What is the weight limit on this roller coaster ??.....Because I am a little over my goal weight right now!!

   Work is the hardest place to avoid talking to people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.