Funny Status Messages

   If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook page to get out of it.

   I completed one push up without stopping. Normally I go half way then take a break

   Instead of birthday notifications imagine if Facebook sent PMS notifications, so you'll know when to leave a girl the heck alone.

   Don't hate the a$$hole, hate the chick that made him that way.

   Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job.

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   You know you're really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.

   Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I'm gonna live forever!

   I got them moves like Jagger! (by which I mean I move like a 70 year old man)

   What happens if you choke to death on a Life Saver?

   If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?

   Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…

   The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."

   wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!

   I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

   A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.