Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me ..?? was bothering me.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"

   Donald Trump endorsing someone for President is like Dr. Phil endorsing someone for Surgeon General.

   The song, "Strangers in the Night," is about your grandpa banging your grandma the night they met.

   Just looking for a special gal whose personality disorders match my personality disorders.

   "This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years

   I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.

   I'm not really afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of Human stupidity and error.

   My wife asked me "when youre on a boys weekend do you think of me?" apparently 'only to stop me coming too soon' was the wrong answer!

   "touch wood", not everything I say is misunderstood for a sexual euphemism!

   when people say "f°°k this s°°t" is that really a command?

   im at A & E just a quick word of warning the dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is `

   not always a big fan of the story God is using us to tell.... but has to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.

   the proud sponsor of this "I don't give a f**k" expression I currently have whilst you complain about everything!

   Yes Google/Gmail, I know already! Enough with the reduced privacy policy reminders. You want to make it easier for the government to track us. Yeah yeah I get it!!

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.