Funny Status Messages

   My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...

   Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much

   there such a thing as Mexican Boy Scout Cookies? Cause I think I just got ripped off by a couple of dudes in sombreros.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   If you have likes on all your pictures by the same person>>>>>>>you have a stalker

   Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.

   My wife was killed yesterday, I'll never forget her last words... 'Make your own sandwich!'

   I like my women like my cell-phone - plenty of service but always silent.

   Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight ;)

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.

   ‎~ Why second-guess - what feels so right - Just trust your heart ♥

   How dare you POKE me and not stick around to cuddle... Does this mean we're allowed to POKE around?

   Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

   Every time I stir a hot beverage in one direction, I cry. But when I stir it the other way, I start laughing. I think I'm suffering from Mixed Tea Motions.

   I just watched some of the highlights from this years Oscars and I am bit baffled as to why the winners receive an action figure of C-3PO from Star Wars?

   Closed due to hangover. But don't worry, I have a note from my bartender.