Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's nose? A border collie.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   Ready for winter to be over because I need to see the sun again and also so I can stop sitting on cold toilet seats.

   The other JFK is appropriately called JFK Junior you other big dummy.

   Get your facts right you big dummy: John F Kennedy was born in May 1917 and passed away in 1963. Do the math correctlyly.

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   Rupert Murdoch is said to be deeply touched by the messages from family and friends left on Whitney Houstons phone.

   People call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday.

   We would have a lot more time if we didn't have "Loading" time.

   SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK THIS STATUS HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, INFORMATIONAL, OR EVEN USEFUL... JUST BECAUSE I USED CAPITAL LETTERS!

   Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   I always feel sad when I white van drives right past me... It makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy

   Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."

   You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.

   Planet Saturn = 7 rings Michael Jordan = 6 rings Kobe Bryant = 5 rings LeBron James = 1 really nice headband