Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   If you took this pill and died, please call the retard lawgroup at 1-800-dead-duh

   Leap day AND hump day.. {insert clever remark here}

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

   Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"

   The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.

   Gas prices are so high...I saw a street gang doing a walk-by

   I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.

   my cat jus tryed to hump my dog, I guess its like hes wearing catnip goggles

   stocking up on lucky charms to use as confetti on st patricks day

   the best jobs are the ones that require sweats an flip flops

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   Scientists say they will soon be able to repair our cells to where we can live to be 500+ years old. If I have to wait until I'm 470 to get social security, I'm going to be ticked off.