Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing beats breaking up with someone on Valentine's Day or their birthday.

   he drew a flower on the ky intense box.....sigh, ...i love him

   Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine's Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People

   St. Valentine was actually beaten, stoned, and then eventually beheaded...they don't tell you that on the cards.

   To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...

   "I used to love her, but I had to kill her" ~~ Guns & Roses celebrating Valentines alone, probably....

   you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....

   you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....

   Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

   My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...

   Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

   My wife's going to be happy with tonight's planned tv. There's going to be balls moving all the screen. Champions League starts again tonight

   Its not the chocolate or the flowers, it's how you put a smile on my face that makes today all worthwhile

   Sorry V̶a̶l̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶e̶sD̶a̶y̶. It's Champions League Time!

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…

   Oh I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody Yeah I wanna dance with somebody With some bipolar nut job that loves me!

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"