Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   Facebook should have an "exam mode" where you can enter the dates of your exams and you are denied access if you try to go on it during that period of time.

   Hey Karma, I got a list of people you missed."

   I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

   people who hate Ed Hardy clothes are the ones who cant afford them

   Want to hear a joke? "Women's rights"

   I'm not FAT! It's just my awesomeness swilling up inside of me.

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"

   With all the spam we get for p*nis enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink v*ginas instead.

   Today is International Women's day. It was supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready !

   At last I've managed to find my girlfriend's G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?