Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that I get to go around and tell people they have a nice "ash" and not get funny looks or get in trouble.

   Went to Wal-Mart in my painting clothes today....still the best dressed person in there.

   I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   Wesminster has got to let the handlers dress in sweats and sneaks...cuz they look like a-holes runnin in skirts and suits

   whenever I see an ugly baby, I say...GOO!!!! Thanks Adam Sandler

   hindsight is 20/20...we should have registered at home depot instead of macys

   If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.

   Some people are so lazy, they would actually quit having sex if someone just told them its a good form of exercise

   reached an ALL TIME LOW. Just told my boss he had some dirt on his forehead... Thank You Ash Wednesday.

   Too many girls put me in the friends zone, I've got to take myself out. Its not going to be a safe haven to long. "The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die."

   So many ugly watches, not enough time!

   I tested positive for poppy seeds in my system. I blame the cocaine bagel I had for breakfast.

   I'll stop at nothing for a moving violation.