Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old Irish Saying: hiccup, burp

   If your turds aren't green tomorrow then you're doing it wrong today...

   true fact - mcdonalds shamrock shakes makes your turd green

   the four leaf clover in a field of life.

   Go to church....the wine is free.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.

   Gentleman...... Start Your Livers!!!!

   Headline: 42-year old, mother of two, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a 24-year old backup dancer! Yeah I always knew she wanted three kids.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   starting the day off with some Lucky Charms.....I'm hardcore about today !

   Sit on my face, I'm Irish!

   After years of searching for my girlfriend's G-spot, who would have guessed her sister had it all this time!

   Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"