Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month.

   Michael Bay is changing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into aliens?! Doesnt that make them Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles, then? (TAINT)

   You are about as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   if you invest in a good industrial grade cheese grater, you can save a ton of money on pedicures.

   some people just gotta have that daily dose of drama

   you can buy shoes, cloths, etc.. but you can't put a price tag on respect

   My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.

   I think I'm a good judge of people...that's why I don't like none of 'em.

   Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   When Tim Tebow heard about Peyton Manning coming to Denver he threw a fit. Unfortunately He missed his intended target by ten yards.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   What's this "Sex Slavery" that everyone is talking about? And how do I enlist?

   I only appear to be happy to irritate the people around me.

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow