Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   The 'prevaricate' post - you are a very clever man

   Traded my Mercedes for a Horse due to gas prices. The damn horse eats $18 worth of hay and hops per meal, not to mention the poop all over my garage!!!!!!!

   Today, I ask that everyone read my posts in the voice of Forrest Gump.

   I like the word 'prevaricate' although I can't spell it

   (posted on my wife's wall this morning) Good morning Sunshine. You see that stack of bills on the counter? That's how many times I thought of you today...

   So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.

   Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

   So if a naked chick does a full split on the ground should you consult the 5 second rule on whether you should eat it or not?

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   Trying to arrange an eating contest between Rosie, Oprah and Trump....wagering available in Vegas. Place your bets early

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin