Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.

   My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   so happy spring is finaly here.....i got so excited I nearly wet my plants!!!!!

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with huge sleeves that make you hug yourself with a cute belt.

   Any time you hear someone say, "Bless his heart, but" you know the next thing out of their mouth will be negative.ive.

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   Why don't chickens wear underwear? 'cause their peckers on their head!

   Come on PEOPLE!!! Romney DOES not use an Etch-A-Sketch... He "thinks" it's a computer.

   Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...