Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky... but there wasn't gum under any of them."

   Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.

   If I died and went to Hell, it would take me at least a week to figure out I wasn't at work anymore.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold. But they also say revenge is sweet. I think they are trying to say revenge is ice cream.

   I don't wanna be presumptuous, but I think this Sandra Fluke chick just might be the love of my weekend. Now, if she'd only return my phone calls...

   Did I already post my Alzheimer update?

   The difference between a girls track team and a group of pygmy lawyers is.....The lawyers are cunning runts!

   it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?

   Every time Rush Limbaugh talks the more I'm convinced that he's the love child of Stay Puff marshmallow man, Jabba the Hut, and a cancerous tumor

   Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   Real friends are very special, but you have to be careful because sometimes you have a friend and you think they are made of rock, then suddenly you realise they're only made of sand.

   “I changed. People change.” - Michael Jackson

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   they are illegal!!!! If they were legal no one would have a problem with it.

   Your so beautiful I can see you in 3D, yep thats my room number

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.