Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   GUY: Babe, let's go to the zoo! GIRL: Sorry but I'm not ready to meet your family.

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   I notice one thing in common with almost all the detective shows...shallow grave...c'mon people ..if you werent so lazy, you wouldnt be in prison..

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420

   I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)

   You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

   saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.