Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was messed up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   "We Found Love in a Swollen Face" by Rihanna ft. Chris Brown

   I've just wrote a song about crabs. It's really catchy.

   What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have herpes? Your dentist telling you that you have herpes.

   Telling someone, “Good Luck in your future endeavors” is just a polite way of telling saying, "Go f--c--k yourself."

   My old Grandad's motto in life was "What you can't see, won't hurt you." He died of radiation poisoning.

   The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

   Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!

   I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I don't want to leave it the same way.

   My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.

   If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.

   My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!