Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.

   When I'm bored nobody texts me. When I'm busy I'm the most popular person on the planet.

   #CoinStar is guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   what happened to all the good girls nowadays ? it's like looking water in the desert .

   I find it hard to believe that America is running anywhere on Dunkin'.

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   Chocolate lovers are thinner, study says. Obviously they did not contact me.

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it will just be me sitting around crying.

   I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective

   I think Michael Bay is trying to ruin my childhood. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are NOT aliens!

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   if I stop using smileys , dude you're in trouble

   Would be a good day to golf but the old trick knee is acting up from the injuries I sustained in my college years as a star quarterback.

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   We live in America where a girl threw flour on Kim Kardashian and was arrested on site. But the man who killed Trayvon Martin is still free.

   every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.

   Saw a fat bird at the self checkout in ASDA today. She scanned an item and it started beeping 'Unexpected item in baggage area' - Salad.