Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time you are old enough to go out and drink on your birthday... People stop putting money in your birthday cards so that you can actually afford to go out!

   just broke his taint. With no insurance. Worse Day Ever!!!!

   The weather lady on channel 6 says she expects to get a few inches tonight..!

   I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.

   I found the iPad 3 announcement especially disappointing because I'm still standing in line for my iPad 2.

   Coors Light Iced Tea? Really??? C.L.I.T.?

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   Facebook should have an "exam mode" where you can enter the dates of your exams and you are denied access if you try to go on it during that period of time.

   Hey Karma, I got a list of people you missed."

   I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

   people who hate Ed Hardy clothes are the ones who cant afford them