Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   Judging by the fact that it is never happy with it's appearance and is always making cosmetic changes no matter how many times it is told it looks fine, I can only conclude that facebook is female.

   Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

   If you really want to go green, start using BOTH sides of your toilet paper.

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   Didn we all love Kinder... where the hardest decision was picking a crayon

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?

   A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"

   Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?

   Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!

   I want to start an electric company called Grayskull so that millions of homes can be run by the power of Grayskull.